Tinay with a biscuit

My girlfriend gave me a visit, a surprise visit, last Friday. I had the most beautiful time. We went to so many places. We were together the whole time, couldn't spare a moment apart. She took time off from work and tried to surprise me. She said she was in Cavite. But it wasn't true. I couldn't believe she came. She said needed me to buy something from Heeren. She needed it bought now. And I sensed a funny lingering in her voice. I said I'll buy it now. I left the office without my bag. I was so happy, I was running in the sidewalks. I was beyond happy; I was ecstatic. I was overflowing with joy. Every minute was heaven. For the first time in such a long time, I felt whole again.

Yesterday, she went back.

It was the fastest weekend I ever had. Like I just took one lung-full of air and then it was done. Melancholy pervaded the air ever since PR504 took to the skies. The same blues I conquered caused by living away from loved ones is back. I badly need strength. I have students depending on me now, so please, allow me, no matter how inappropriate this would be for some, to unload. I need to let people know how much I love her. I wanna shout it for all the world to hear. I would shout as loud as I can if I could make my declaration fly 2390 kms across oceans, but I can't. So instead let me share an excerpt of one of my billet douxes for her.

Tinay,

This letter is in your hands for one reason and one reason alone. It means, by now, all hope is lost. I waited and nothing happened. That's why, I thought, I should let you know everything.

The story I am about to tell you starts in your attic when we had a group sleep-over, the moment you stepped in the first time, in my life. You looked shy but you spoke softly. We just... I just finished taking in the hugeness of your house, when you, the owner, comes in, in simple clothing. You walked across the room unadorned, except for a smile. You looked shy, but you smiled. You said hello to friends and I tried to hide under my cap. I was afraid for two reasons. One, by accident, I cracked your computer's password. Two, I don't think I can gaze up your beautiful eyes and live another day to tell people about it. But look at me now. Since that day, I was never the same.

Everyone sat to form a big circle so that the newbies could introduce themselves to the oldies. I was introduced as 'the hacker', even though I knew someone has already hacked into my systems, so that anywhere I looked I could see nothing but your eyes and anything I thought of drew a circle around you. I was hoping though that you'd know me more than by just the nick 'the hacker'.

I asked myself who this fair maiden who hath stolen my heart be. You said your name is Tinay, you liked to paint, you are 19 years old. I told myself I was 18 years old but I had the mind of a much older person so it doesn't really matter. The others began to ask you questions. I paid no attention to them. I had my eyes glued, I am very sorry, on your smile. I don't remember what your answers were, but I was very glad to be there to witness you say them. I loved it when they teased you, you'd smile and your charm would encroach upon my innocent by-standing heart and I allowed it.

I never knew beauty existed in this world before that day, so when the time came, I had to leave because I only asked permission to stay till 6:30 in the morning, I hated myself. It was like leaving heaven to go back to hell. Forcing the beautiful day into night's darkness even before I had my breakfast.

My cellphone's clock alarmed. Everybody was still asleep. I was full of energy, cuz immediately I dreamt of you, even though we were sleeping in the same room along with a dozen others. I stood up, I remember so clearly, I looked at you and you were so peaceful in your slumber. I had to pretend to be looking for something or otherwise people pretending to be asleep would catch me staring at you. Forgive me.

I went down the stairs and saw your helpers preparing breakfast. I hated myself even more. What a sight it must be to watch you finish your first meal of the day, I asked myself. Then I realized I did not know the way back to my place. So I gladly went back up to ask someone.

Unfortunately, everyone was still asleep. Kuya Rey, woke up and I told him my dilemma. Before I could stop him, he was already waking you up so you could help me. You had your eyebrows crunched in that peculiar way that did not make you look happy one bit. I hoped it's actually just the fighting of the light shining in your eyes that made you look angry, cuz if not, I am really really sorry. I would have walked home if it made you happy. And I would have stayed a month in your house, if it would let me watch you smile for a minute more.

You asked me questions about my house and I played dumb answering some because I wanted us to talk longer. You finished your sketch and explained it to me a little more hasty than I would have wished. Then you led me out and asked the helpers to make sure none of your dogs had me for breakfast. I said there is no need for that, I could handle myself, but deep inside I wanted you to hold my hand so you could walk me to my car and we could say goodbye properly. You asked me if I wanted to stay. In my head I shouted YES, but my mouth said no, and that was that.

I left your place and went back to mine. Nobody noticed my arrival in our place. Just as in your home, everyone was still asleep. I could have stolen a couple more minutes in your place, but I didn't.

Tinay is the sweetest, kindest, most passionate person I've ever known in my life. If there is any ounce of respect people have for me, I wouldn't be much if it weren't for the continual urging this lady gives me to strive to be better. She has been behind me this whole time I've been working hard. She knows about all the challenges I've been having and she encourages me despite her own mountains. She is an inspiration to me, as well as the love of my life.

I thought of sharing the excerpt when I was just courting her, three years ago, for a couple of reasons. I wrote the excerpt when it did not seem like we had a future together. Back then, it didn't seem like she was gonna say yes. But I was stubborn and persistent. She rejected me more than I thought I could possibly take. Right now, we've been together for close to three years and I could honestly say that I love her more each day than the day before. But now we face a different challenge. Cuz again, circumstances are bleak. Again, I don't know how we'll end up together.

You see, we are both driven individuals. I have my thing here just as she does back in the Philippines, and we are both equally committed. We both cannot just leave and sacrifice fulfillment just for the sake of romance. We know well enough to see the crime in that. I've been advised so many times against allowing our relationship to continue pressing down on both of us. But I am one stubborn individual. People could call it cowardice if they wanted, but I'm not letting go. I'm gonna work harder. I will give my best. And I pray to God almighty, that he finds a way for us to be together, cuz we have both pledged our lives to his cause, for our country, in our small little ways.

So please, again, allow me to make this declaration. I love you, darling. You are the reason I work hard. You are my inspiration. I want you to wait and hold on tight. It will happen soon. I promise.